Her First
by dreamcapturer
Summary: This is a story about a heartbreak. They were one of those couples, which one of them had fallen out of love. (Rewrite)


**a Short x Rewrite**

* * *

 _Your first love_

 _isn't the first person_

 _you give your heart to_

 _it's the first one_

 _who breaks it_

/Lang Leav/

* * *

At that moment, Mikan felt the world was moving in a slow motion. She can feel the beat of her heart, the clenching feeling in her stomach, and his voice played over in her head.

 _I think we should stop seeing each other,_ he said.

Surprised was a disgusting understatement to describe how she felt. She was speechless. Her words were stuck in her throat, as she stared at him with a blank expression.

How did this happen?

They were perfect.

Or perhaps, she lived in a fantasy where they could have been.

* * *

Natsume Hyuuga was the typical Mr. Popular.

He was flawless according to many. Not only one of the smartest in his batch, he was also the point guard in Alice University's basketball team. Natsume had thick raven locks, mesmerizing crimson eyes, slightly tan complexion, and strong muscled arms. His face was handsome, very handsome. In fact, he could've passed as a model for a Calvin Klein ad. Women would always flock around him everywhere he goes. He was the hotshot every boys wanted to be, and the man every girls wanted to date.

Mikan met him on their second year of college, when a few mutual friends introduced them. The moment they locked eyes and exchanged smiles, the rest was history. Natsume's remarkable charm was irresistible, and the brunette fell under his spell.

She knew that her reputation was _far_ different from his, yet she decided to take the risk.

.

Mikan Yukihira was beautiful inside and out.

With long brown hair and soft caramel eyes, she was the sweet girl that everybody adored. Even though her bubbly demeanor was endearing, she was not used to constant attention, glam and blitz that Natsume had. It hadn't been easy for her to get out of her shell, and keep up with the socializing schedule of her man. More on the quiet side, the brunette was a true definition of introvert where she would feel exhausted after interacting with too many people.

For the past couple of years, Natsume was not just her boyfriend. He was her home, her priority, her everything. He was the best thing that ever happened to her.

At the early age of twenties, Natsume became a young founder of a promising company within the wood industry. Yet again, he rose to the top and became one of the most successful entrepreneurs under thirty years old. He could attract big time investors just with the sound of his name, and gained even more attention from the Japanese media.

On the other hand, Mikan nailed the interview with a well-known Human Resources Consultant in town, and started working as an Associate Consultant, the youngest in her team.

.

The brunette looked down on her napkin, as she recalled the day he asked her to be his girlfriend. He had taken her to her favorite park and decorated their Sakura tree with dangling paper cranes. She had a unique attachment towards paper cranes, which he had noted endearingly. Mikan couldn't believe he actually chose to be with her, out of all the girls in their school.

What was so special about her that attracted him in the first place anyways?

* * *

"So," he sounded nervous for once, "What do you think?"

Mikan started focusing her gaze on him, as she tried to stop reminiscing all flashbacks of their time together.

 _She was not going to cry. Not here, not now._

"I don't know. I don't know how to respond," she replied meekly. They were coming close to a crossroad. He was walking away from her. "You know what our problem is."

Natsume took a deep breath, acknowledging what his girlfriend said.

It was him. He was the reason they were in this mess. If only he could blame it on anything but himself.

Being a busy person with packed agendas every day, he never made time for her. Never enough. Party and social life were the heartbeats of his existence. He couldn't understand why Mikan liked to stay at home so often. They had spent the past three years living together, and he was bored of doing the same routine every time. Switching TV channels, conversing on their daily mundane lives, and him watching her as she falls asleep every night. He felt that there were better things to do in life than spending time with _just_ both of them. Sure, Mikan would be his plus one to multiple events every now and then, but heck, they were still 24 years old! They had a whole adventure waiting in front of their eyes.

He wanted more. He wanted _fun_. Her presence had complimented his life for the past years together, especially when they were still students in Alice University. They had so many mutual friends, and she was always there with him. Countless memories were spent as their little group of friends traveled together and embarked on crazy adventures during their senior years.

Natsume had put a lot of effort in this relationship, more than he thought he would. For the first time, he actually tried to make things work with his woman. He compromised with what Mikan Yukihira needed, and valued her perspective as much as his own. He respected her dream to be a Senior HR Consultant one day and start her own practice. He always helped her with any kind of advises, as he never cherished someone as much as he did for her. She became one of his pillars, his number one supporter. Yet, she became the sole reason preventing him from exploring his full potential. She held him back from living a life that he wanted.

He was tired of sacrificing for her. And he was tired of disappointing her, again.

"I think it's best if we break up," Natsume said slowly. He had made up his mind. "We should just go separate ways."

Mikan looked at him as he avoided her gaze. She wasn't sure if what just happened was even real.

Did he really want to end this beautiful thing they have? The relationship that they had built together?

 _No, it couldn't be._

This must be a nightmare. Probably it's just a bad dream. An impossible reality that made her heart ache so much. She didn't know what to say, what to think.

 _This can't be happening._

Mikan took a deep breath, and finally muttered the courage to ask him a question. Perhaps this would change his mind. Or perhaps she would stop living in this dream if she hear what he had to say.

"What if I asked you to stay?"

* * *

Natsume lifted his face, and looked at her with a pair of anxious eyes.

The raven haired lad looked worried, but above all, guilty.

Mikan never saw this side of him, he always looked strong and never once wavered. At that moment, her instinct was to take him away and comfort him like he always did to her. In reality, she knew she had to hold back and looked at him sadly instead.

Tears were pooling in the back of her eyes, but for some reason, they wouldn't come out even if she wanted them to. Was it because they were in a public space? Or because it all happened so fast that she didn't know how to feel?

She wished she could feel something. _Anything_. But all she knew was the pain. A throbbing feeling that she never felt before. It felt as if needles were piercing through her heart, and slowly ripped her inner apart.

Natsume slowly regained his composure and cleared his throat, gaining the brunette's attention. His eyes looked sharper than before, and Mikan knew he had made up his mind. This was the Natsume that she'd always known.

"I will try to continue our relationship, if that is what you wish," he paused, and worded his next answer carefully, "But I can't put much effort into us...not anymore."

Mikan felt her shoulder slumped.

They were one of those couples, which one of them had fallen out of love.

* * *

She really thought he could possibly be _the one_. Once, he mentioned that he thought the same way too.

All those memories are now going down the drain. What is she going to do with the gifts he gave her? Can she look at Mr. Bear, the brown teddy bear he had won for her in Summer Fair's Arcade, and not cry her heart out? What will their friends think? They will no longer be the couple everyone shipped.

Mikan looked out the window of the restaurant, and replayed all the nights she had spent crying by herself. Her pillows were her comfort whenever Natsume didn't come home. Whenever he went drinking with his coworkers and she had to hold herself from complaining even though his female peers constantly flirted with him. She was always making sacrifices for him and tolerating all of his behaviors, because she thought that was the only way to treat someone you love. She would look at other couples, and wondered why, unlike them, she couldn't have a lot of quality time with her boyfriend. Was she really so horrible that Natsume disliked spending time with her? Was she not enough?

 _He never really put her first_ , she realized. _Never did, and never will._

Looking back, she knew what she should do. She knew what to decide for her own future good. Yet, she couldn't shake the thought that she wanted him. _She loved him_. She wouldn't mind suffering a little longer, as long as she could have him by her side again.

"Mikan, it's all up to you now." Natsume looked at her with a hopeful look on his face.

She wondered what kind of hope he had. Was he hoping for her to beg him to stay? Or was he hoping that she would set him free?

Mikan always thought that it would've been her who finally had enough and ended them. After all, _she_ was the one who tried communicating with him when things went bad. She was the one who tried scheduling her life around his life for his own convenience. She was the one who had endured all the jealousy and pain whenever he was busy spending time with everyone, but her.

In the end, she wasn't the one who decided to give up.

"Okay, let's break up."

* * *

Mikan smiled sadly as her best friend hugged her tight.

Even the ice queen, Hotaru Imai, can show emotions sometimes. The young woman stopped by Mikan's apartment after she told her what happened the night before. At first, Hotaru offered bringing her a tub of her favorite Howalon-flavored ice cream. But she had eaten nothing for the last 24 hours and lost all of her appetite.

Things had been tougher, and harder than Mikan ever thought it would be. She never felt so much pain in her life. _Is this what heart break supposed to feel like?_ She wondered how people make it through, and how did they put their hearts on their sleeves _again_ after everything that happened?

Mikan had cried so much during work, that her manager, Narumi Anju, assumed she was sick and told her to leave early and get some rest. Honestly, Mikan needed that time alone. She felt like she had lost a huge part of her soul.

Half of her died when he left, leaving her empty and hollow on the inside.

She remembered how Natsume hugged her for a few seconds before parting goodbyes. They agreed to stop talking to each other, and probably won't bump into each other for a while. He wished her all the best and she whispered the same.

Mikan had walked away, and never looked back. Her tears fell as soon as she turned her head away, and hadn't stopped since.

"It's okay, dummy. You can cry if you want." Hotaru patted her back, and the brunette found herself hugging her friend tighter.

Just within seconds, Mikan was sobbing helplessly like a little girl who had her dreams crushed before her eyes.

He used to hold her when she cried. He used to give her a boost of confidence when she felt small. He used to be her rock; her source of happiness. Now, he would be the reason of her grieve, her utmost sorrow. Her gray skies and thunderstorms. Her first goodbye.

She poured her heart out that day, that weekend, that month. She dropped her last tears until she didn't have anymore left. She cried like she never did before, and cried hundred times more after.

* * *

.

A week passed, then two, then three.

On the fourth week, she came across a picture recently uploaded on Facebook by their mutual friend.

It was at a party, and of course Natsume was there. They took a group picture, and he had his silly drunk smirk focused on the camera.

 _She missed that_.

Mikan noticed a strawberry-blonde girl was kissing his cheek and hugging him in several pictures. It was obvious that they were intoxicated, which made her feel worse.

The figure was no stranger to her. Back in college, she had tried to win Natsume's heart for years with no avail. Even though she knew Mikan was his girlfriend, she would continuously flirt with him behind her back. The girl obviously hated Mikan and gave her attitude anytime, anywhere. She was without a doubt, a _thorn_ on Mikan's side. Hotaru always made snide remarks about her, and had warned Mikan million times that Natsume doesn't know how to keep his boundaries with females in general, including the aggressive Luna Koizumi.

Mikan couldn't help but felt a pang of pain when she saw the pictures.

Over the course of few weeks, she had felt a little better. She accepted the fact that Natsume Hyuuga was no longer a part of her life, even though she still missed him once in a while. She was still numb and bitter, but was also slowly recovering. All her efforts wavered when she saw pictures of Luna wrapping her fingers around him. Almost with a smug-like glance, she was shoving her victory on Mikan's face. Luna finally got her man.

Mikan was disappointed. Everyone knew she had bad blood with the flirty fox.

What hurt her more was the fact that Natsume looked happy - happy without her. He even already had a new girl following him like a puppy. It was painful to think that she was the only one suffering. It was devastating to realize that she valued their relationship more than he ever did. It broke her heart again, knowing that the girl in the picture, could have been her instead.

She couldn't blame him, he had always been the social butterfly, the sweet honey attracting queen bees. He had always been like that, and it was part of him that could never change.

In the end, it was her choice too. She let herself being treated less than what she wanted and deserved. She was pretty much blinded by the good things in him, that she neglected her own worth.

They say first love is always the hardest, and now she knows why.

* * *

.

"No matter what, we will always be here for you."

Permy hugged her tightly, and Mikan could feel tears were forming in the back of her eyes. Anna and Nonoko took turns in giving her tight bear hugs that made her smile. She had always loved big hugs, the kind where you'd wrap your arms around each other. Natsume wasn't a fan of those hugs, and so she never asked him for one ever since.

"Thanks guys, I really appreciate it."

Iinchou and Koko gave her a supportive smile, but Ruka looked at her with sad eyes, "I'm sorry to hear what happened, Mikan. I really am."

The brunette sighed and shook her head lightly, "It's alright, Ruka. I'll be fine. I have to."

Hotaru had decided to gather all of their friends to hang out together in a fancy rooftop lounge that evening. Of all people, _Hotaru_ initiated a get together on a Saturday night. Ruka noticed that his girlfriend never took the initiatives when it comes to catching up with others. Usually he had to be the one coaxing her to join him on any socializing events before she said yes. The fact that she had planned this for her best friend, meant that she really cared for her.

Ruka felt guilty because his own best friend was the one who broke Mikan's heart. Natsume had told him how he felt before he decided to break it off with her.

Honestly, Ruka was shocked.

Natsume _did_ used to complain that he wanted more time for himself. He wanted to enjoy the glory of his early 20s without being restricted by anyone, not even by his girlfriend. But Ruka didn't know that his friend would take it so far. He couldn't blame Natsume for wanting more than what he had. They were friends long enough for Ruka to understand that Natsume was very headstrong and ambitious. That was exactly the reason how he excelled in everything he did. Once Natsume saw Mikan as some sort of hindrance to his current goals, he didn't waste anymore time to stay in the relationship, whilst setting aside the good things they had in the past.

"You know you're better off without him," Hotaru said in a nonchalant voice.

Permy gave Mikan an almost-full glass of wine, "Drink this. You need it."

Mikan smiled as she took it, "Alcohol. Thanks, yep, I do need it."

"How do you feel, Mikan?" Nonoko asked, and everyone leaned in carefully.

The brunette took a sip from the glass and replied slowly, "I could be better. But Hotaru's right. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me."

Anna squinted her eyes, "Natsume is _really_ immature."

"Well, I think he has his own priorities. Everyone is different after all." Koko tried to reason from another perspective, but received a deadly glare instead.

Iinchou started to feel like he was watching little kids argue, and decided to step in, "Let's not play the blame game for now."

.

Slowly, the tension within the group melted, and they switched to livelier topics on each of their individual lives.

Permy, who worked as a Legal Assistant, had a new interesting case that she was working on. Anna and Inchou were nurse and doctor in the hospital, and they claimed to be as busy as ever. Nonoko was working on her environmental research, while Koko almost completed his thesis as a Graduate student in the Criminal & Justice program.

The genius of the group, Hotaru, decided to step in her family business and had been busy taking care of large corporate projects. Meanwhile, her boyfriend Ruka who was a veterinarian, recently opened his own practice in downtown area.

Mikan also shared the good news that she had been promoted as a Junior Consultant in the company that she was working in. Alas, she was a step closer to her dream.

They all cheered and clinked their glasses, just like the good old times, but without a certain crimson-eyed lad.

After a while, Mikan excused herself to the ladies room, before stopping by in the open balcony near the bar. Clear night skies with mesmerizing view of high rise Tokyo buildings welcomed her. She slowly closed her eyes and felt her heart throbbed.

She had grown up in a small village near the mountains. Who knew that she could one day work in a big city like Tokyo? She had built a career like she had always dreamed, and was slowly climbing her way up to reach her goals.

Mikan smiled, and with a hint of grieve, whispered to herself, _Who knew this heartache would happen in the end, too?_

* * *

.

Mikan stopped on her tracks and looked at the rowdy table.

Everyone was there. Her old college friends that she hadn't seen in a while, a few new faces that she never met before, and lastly, a person that she had been hoping to avoid a little longer.

It was Ruka's birthday dinner a month after their little group met. Of course she was invited. Even though Hotaru told her she didn't have to force herself to come, Mikan decided to show up anyways. She felt like she needed closure, something to convince her that she _should_ move on.

"Hey, Mikan's here!" Koko exclaimed cheerfully, and half of the table went silent.

Ruka gave her a warm smile, and she gave him a hug, "Happy 25th birthday, Ruka." She handed him a white box with navy blue ribbon top, "Hotaru told me to give this present to you. Hope you'll like it."

He raised his eyebrow and looked at his girlfriend, "Is this something that will benefit you? Don't tell me, it's a crab plushie."

Mikan giggled, while Hotaru let out a small smile that made Ruka's eyes glinted with joy, "Hey, what's with that smile!"

Some of their friends stood up to give Mikan a hug, until the last person on the table stood up and walked towards her.

She couldn't help but let go of the heavy breath that she was holding, "Hi."

Natsume smiled at her, the typical Natsume Hyuuga's charming smile. He looked as handsome as ever in a maroon sweater over a white collared shirt and black pants. His hair was lightly gelled up, highlighting his sharp features. For a few seconds, he only stared at her and didn't say anything. She noticed that there was a hint of sadness in his crimson eyes, and wondered if it had been there all these years. Finally, he put his hands inside his pockets and uttered, "Long time no see, Mikan."

Mikan tried smiling back, but all she could muster was a nod, "Yeah, long time no see, Natsume."

The raven haired lad noticed the tension in her words, however decided to continue the conversation, "So, how are you?"

Mikan tried to focus her gaze on something else, as her thoughts flooder her.

How is she?

Two months ago, she was bawling her eyes out. A few weeks ago, her heart ached when she opened the social media.

 _And now, how is she?_

.

Memories of her heart ache came rushing, followed by all the tears and late night breakdown sessions in her room. She spent hours looking at their old pictures together, and dreamed of him coming back almost every night. But, she also remembered all of the warmth support that her friends gave her. All of the affectionate hugs, and words of encouragements that her best friends had showered her with. She felt all the love coming from them, and also a new kind of love starting to grow inside of her.

There were so many words left unspoken that she wanted to tell him. She hoped that he did love her, even if it was not as much as she did, or not even close. She wanted to let him know that his definition of love was enough to make her let go, and one day, she will love herself even more than she ever did.

But she knew it was all too late. She had no more regrets.

Mikan focused her gaze upon the man before her. She could see that pieces of her heart would always belong to him. Yet, she knew she would be able to patch up those broken parts. This was the beginning of her journey to give all the love she had, to someone better.

 _Herself._

She finally realized that she deserved to receive the kind of love that she had given him.

Mikan pursed her lips. A kind smile appeared on her face, which took the raven haired by surprise, as she replied, "I'm doing great. How about you?"

.

They were one of those couples, who embarked on different pathways when two roads divide.

.

.

.

 _"When my heart is broken, I don't grieve, I shatter." - Rupi Kaur_

 _._

End

* * *

 **A/N**

 _1/29/18_

This story is inspired by my own recent heartbreak, and I wrote it to encourage myself to move on.

It ended with a bittersweet note, but I hope it can inspire those who had been hurt, to stop letting themselves be hurt. Love yourself, too.

.

 _(Updated) 3/18/19_

A little more than a year had passed since I wrote this Short. I decided to rewrite it to celebrate the milestone I had accomplished for the past 13 months :)

I'm at a much better place now, better than I thought I could ever be to be honest.

If you're currently at a bad place when you're reading this, I'd like to remind you that those days will not last forever.

Also, special shoutouts to Artsy789 and Kurosaki Miyu who initially reviewed the story kindly!


End file.
